What Is Lay’s Hiding? An Objective Analysis

Over at Jay’s, we believe in doing more than being an amazing chip with classic flavors that are deeply, deeply underrated. We’re also, like, purveyors of truth, whose marketing and expansion is thwarted at every turn by idiot-savants. Our most loyal janissaries snackers are thereby forced to smuggle our chips west of the Mississippi to keep the joy alive. Our cutting edge investigators have come up with a few key points to strike at the heart of the Lay’s operation.

1) We were here first, you dolts.

We were here in 1927. They started in 1932. None of us want to hear it. It’s all poppycock. To add insult to injury, we have cultural roots attached to our brand, unlike the lame, corporate, mass-produced, asking-your-mom-for-a-dollar-at-the-pool-to-buy-them garbage.

2) Lay’s is for idiots who enjoy consuming wrapping paper.

This is irrefutable, and we’ve run multiple experiments (using taxpayer dollars sparingly) confirming this fact. We agree that it tastes like the glue and plastic sheen one would find after sampling the different wrapping paper offerings on Christmas (and in some cases, December 27th because your flights kept getting canceled, making the whole trip worthless). Anyone complaining about dumb stuff like ‘opinions’ and ‘subjectivity’ need not review the rest of our findings; your views are as worthless as Lay’s entire inventory.

3) A rather smelly Board of Trade employee who wouldn’t stop asking for our phone number on the bus was seen eating a bag of Lay’s before committing this heinously uncomfortable social interaction.

The main point says it all. He wouldn’t stop. The research team kept telling him we weren’t interested in his weird illicit parties because we had potato chip research to resume. The team concluded that it would be the last time any of them would break from their research to eat dinner unless our or competing potato chips were involved.

4) Remember when they did Lay’s Stax?

Eurgh.

5) Gallagher likely invented Lay’s.

Evidence for this is coming soon, we promise. Just trust us on this one. And more importantly, no one likes Gallagher. Even the crisp, delicious taste of Jay’s can’t soften the eyeroll that comes with watching that cretin smash a watermelon with a sledgehammer again. We’re so over it.